The Missing Key to Lasting Change: Why Self-Compassion Matters More Than Willpower
The Struggle With Consistency, and the Secret
I’ve guided hundreds of women on their journey from feeling out of control with their health and habits to reclaiming their vitality, their health, and their confidence.
And I’ve noticed something.
Despite their dedication and best efforts to eat well, move more, and care for themselves, many of them—many of us—struggle to stay consistent with our healthy choices.
We set goals. We make plans. We tell ourselves this time will be different.
And when we inevitably fall off track?
We blame ourselves. Not disciplined enough. Not productive enough. Not good enough.
Can you relate?
We assume the answer is more willpower, more self-control, and more discipline.
But what I’ve discovered—through my own journey and through supporting so many women like me—is that the real secret to lasting change isn’t being harder on ourselves—it’s being kinder and more compassionate.
I know, I know. It sounds counterintuitive. But hear me out.
Leaning into self-compassion isn’t about sitting back, letting go of our goals, or weakening our resolve.
It’s actually the opposite.
Why ‘More Willpower’ Is Not a Strategy
The popular belief that willpower is the key to success is misleading. Research shows that willpower is like a muscle—it fatigues over time. The more we rely on sheer force to create change, the more exhausted we become.
And when willpower runs out? The cycle of self-blame kicks in:
✔ I wasn’t disciplined enough.
✔ I don’t have enough self-control.
✔ I’ll never figure this out.
But willpower alone isn’t a long-term strategy—it’s a short-term effort that eventually burns out.
Here’s why relying on willpower leads to burnout:
1 It creates an all-or-nothing mindset. One misstep feels like failure.
2 It fuels self-criticism. When we struggle, we blame ourselves instead of learning and adapting.
3 It makes habit change feel like punishment. No one thrives under constant self-policing.
Instead of pushing harder, what if we rewrote that script entirely?
Why Self-Compassion Is the Missing Piece
What if, instead of forcing change, we learned to support ourselves with compassion—the same kindness we would offer a close friend?
Imagine a friend or child coming to you, struggling, asking for help. They need your presence, your kindness, your reassurance. They need you to be there for them, reliably and consistently.
Would you say:
"Sorry, I don’t have time for you right now. Maybe later."
Of course not. We show up for them!
And yet, this is how we treat ourselves when we ignore our needs, criticize our efforts, and push through exhaustion instead of offering kindness and care.
When we keep pushing forward without compassion, we don’t just fall off track—we fall into a downward spiral leading to:
🚫 Burnout: We deplete our energy and willpower, making it harder to stay consistent.
🚫 Frustration: We feel stuck in the cycle of trying and failing, leading to discouragement.
🚫 Self-Sabotage: When we believe we’re failing, we may give up entirely, reinforcing the belief that we "just aren't disciplined enough."
Self-compassion interrupts this cycle.
💛 Self-compassion helps us prioritize ourselves in the first place, shifting self-care from a guilty afterthought into a non-negotiable priority.
💛 Motivates us to keep going—not through rigidity or restriction, but by tuning into our body’s true needs.
💛 Allows us to let go of perfection and lean into small, steady steps forward, even when progress isn’t linear.
💛 Frees us from the cycles of comparison, self-judgment, self-blame, and disappointment.
Instead of quitting when we slip up, we learn, adjust, and keep going with kindness.
Self-compassion is the foundation of consistency because it keeps us showing up for ourselves—even when things aren’t perfect.
The good news?
Self-compassion is a skill you can build.
Here are 6 strategies to help you start today.
👉 Want to experience the power of self-compassion in action?
Join my FREE 7-Day Self-Compassion Challenge and start making small but powerful shifts today.
Sign up here.
6 Mindset Shifts and Strategies For Deeper Self-Compassion (And More Consistent Habits)
1️⃣ Practice Self-Acceptance: You Are Enough
We tend to believe that our worth is tied to how much we accomplish or how well we follow the rules or checklists (even checklists around healthy living).
We think we have to earn self-love like we’re earning an A+ in life—and like there’s some invisible checklist we have to complete first.
Spoiler alert: There’s no checklist. And you won’t be getting a grade.
So instead of measuring your worth by how ‘perfectly’ you follow habits, what if you approached change from a place of already being enough?
When it comes to building healthy habits, my invitation to you is to start from a place of wholeness, not from trying to fix yourself.
You already possess the qualities you desire—you just need to tune in and amplify them. When we embrace this mindset, change becomes easier and more sustainable. Instead of chasing an impossible standard, we learn to trust that we already have what we need—we just need to nurture it.
💖 TRY THIS EXERCISE:
✅ Give yourself a self-hug (yes, really, even if it feels awkward).
✅ Go ahead and wrap your arms around yourself in a self-hug and squeeze gently.
✅ Let your body soften into your own care.
✅ Take a deep breath.
✅ Whisper: I am enough. I do enough. I am worthy as I am. I am whole.
I know it might feel silly at first to give yourself that hug. It did for me. But honestly? It was kind of nice too.
The point is, you don’t have to do more to be enough, and you don’t have to ‘fix’ yourself to be whole. With practice, self-acceptance becomes second nature—reminding us that we don’t need to wait until we ‘get it right’ to treat ourselves with kindness.
The more you practice self-acceptance, the easier it is to stay consistent—not because you’re forcing yourself to change, but because you’re honoring and amplifying your existing strengths and really tuning into your body’s needs.
If you want to take this practice deeper, I’ve recorded a special 7-minute meditation on self-acceptance to help you embrace yourself fully—just as you are.
2️⃣ Befriend Yourself: Let Go Of The Critical Inner Voice
Imagine if you had a friend who constantly pointed out everything you did wrong, compared you to others, and called you lazy or unworthy… how long would you keep them around? Right.
But this is how we talk to ourselves all the time.
Or, imagine a child running to you after they made a mistake. Would you berate them and point out every flaw? Or would you use more encouraging words and focus on what they did right to calm and support them? Yup.
The way you talk to yourself shapes everything—your energy, confidence, and ability to keep showing up for yourself, even when things get tough.
When making bold changes in your life and health, the voice you listen to matters. Will you be a harsh critic or a supportive coach? One fuels doubt—the other fuels growth.
By shifting your self-talk, and cultivating a supportive inner voice—one that encourages rather than shames us when we struggle — you make it easier to stay consistent—because encouragement fosters resilience, while self-criticism fuels burnout.
💖 TRY THIS:
✅ Catch the inner critic in action.
✅ Ask yourself, “Would I say this to a friend?”
✅ If not, reframe the message as if you were talking to someone you love.
✅ Then, look at yourself in the mirror, cradle your face in your hands and say out loud:
💚 "I’m here for you. I’ve got you. I am listening. What do I truly need right now?”
3️⃣ Give the Inner Mentor the Microphone
We’ve talked about quieting the Inner Critic—but what voice do you listen to instead?
That’s where your Inner Mentor comes in.
Your Inner Mentor is the wiser, kinder, more grounded version of you. The one who sees the bigger picture, isn’t panicked about your to-do list or your latest "failure."
The problem? The Inner Critic is loud and obnoxious. It’s that inner voice that’s always around, loves drama, and usually jumps in and shouts its opinions uninvited.
The Inner Mentor? She’s more like an introvert at a party—she’ll only speak if you invite her to. She needs us to pause, look her in the eye, and not only listen but be ready and willing to receive the message.
Your Inner Mentor isn’t just about being kinder—it’s about seeing the big picture. You can turn to her for encouragement, but also for direction. She helps you make choices that align with your future self—not just react to the moment.
💡 TRY THIS:
✅ When your Inner Critic pipes up with “Ugh, you’re so behind!”—pause.
✅ Ask: “What would my wiser self say right now?”
🧘♀️ AND THEN TRY THIS:
💛 Close your eyes and picture of your ‘future’ yourself six-12 months from now —confident, healthy, at peace.
💛 Now, ask that wiser self: “What do you need from me today to get there?” Is it more nourishment? More rest? More movement?
💛 Listen deeply to that guidance
Tuning into your Inner Mentor helps you gain more clarity, and keeps you grounded, aligned, motivated, and accountable—without the judgment. It helps you stay consistent with healthy habits by focusing on long-term growth instead of momentary failures.
4️⃣ Celebrate Your Wins (Yes, Even The Small Stuff!)
Celebrate little victories even if - especially if - you’re feeling stuck or behind.
Because waiting for perfection before celebrating yourself is like refusing to enjoy a good meal until you’re a gourmet chef.
The science is clear: celebrating small wins boosts motivation and keeps you going.
Yet, we rarely acknowledge our progress.
Studies show that when we celebrate small achievements, our brain releases dopamine—the ‘feel-good’ chemical that boosts motivation and reinforces positive behavior. The more we acknowledge progress, the more likely we are to keep going.
💖 TRY THESE TINY STRATEGIES:
✅ Each day, name ONE thing you did well—no matter how small.
✅ Keep a ‘to-done’ list instead of a ‘to-do’. This one is one of my favorites.
✅ Come up to a mirror and give yourself a high five! (Yes, even if it feel awkward)
Mel Robbins, author of The High 5 Habit, found that simply high-fiving yourself in the mirror can shift your mindset, boost motivation, and build self-trust. Yes, really!
👋 Try it right now! Stand in front of a mirror, smile, and give yourself a high five. As you do, say something kind to yourself—yes, even if it feels awkward! This small act of self-acknowledgment rewires your brain for motivation and self-trust, making it easier to keep going
5️⃣ Stop Comparing—Join In Instead
One of the biggest obstacles to progress—in our habits and, let’s be honest, in life—is comparison.
We look around and assume that everyone else has it figured out—that they have more willpower, more discipline, or are naturally more motivated.
And when we struggle, we think: “What’s wrong with me?”
We feel paralyzed and we don’t even try. Or we start and stop because our results don’t ‘look’ like those glowing photos on Instagram
But here’s the truth: Struggle is universal. No one has it all figured out—every single person experiences doubt, inconsistency, and setbacks.
One of the core elements of self-compassion is recognizing common humanity—the understanding that we’re not meant to do this alone.
We thrive in community, not in isolation.
💖 TRY THIS MINDSET SHIFT:
✅ Instead of seeing someone else’s success as proof that you’re behind, see it as evidence that change is possible for you too.
✅ Instead of silently struggling, reach out for support—whether that’s a mentor, a friend, or a group that shares your goals.
✅ Instead of trying to willpower your way forward, surround yourself with people who will provide you with accountability, inspiration, encouragement, and genuine connection.
You don’t have to do this alone!
That’s why I believe in the power of community. In my group coaching programs, I’ve seen firsthand how real support, accountability, and motivation from like-minded women can transform the way we show up for ourselves. In fact, it can make ALL the difference!